Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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