I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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