We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
