I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
