they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
