You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
