my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we're chasing vodka with high fives
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
