I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
