Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
