They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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