it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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