I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
