tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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