I feel great
I just peed on a car
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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