This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
