im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
