dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
