I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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