I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
