return my video game
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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