At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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