There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
