She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
