But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my phone needs a breathalizer
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
