lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
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If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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