So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
