shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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