I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I want her autograph on my taint
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How does one acquire holy water?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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