If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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