I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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