Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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