He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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