I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
