Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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