Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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