Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
