"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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