The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
