There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Come on in and take your pants off
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