would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
