So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
