Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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