btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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