OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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