ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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