I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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