i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
