I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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