so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
