Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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