He uses pillows to masturbate.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
