What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
