I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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