so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
