How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
